"Feeling good's good enough."
Okay, so I didn't do drugs like a certain character in a certain movie about a certain war, by a certain director who did a movie about a certain president who was assassinated by a certain ex-marine.(1)
The worm has turned, however.
See, ever since I started going to RMC, every time I go, it's with massive feelings of dread. I just don't want to go. Well, I didn't want to go. I wanted to just stay in my little warm house, living the life Kevin Smith would live if he hadn't made Clerk--living at my mom's. She doesn't have a basement, so I can't live there; instead, I take over the "main" living room. (We basically have two living rooms; the other one is the computer room/my aunt's living room.) I have plenty of good, homecooked food, I can get up whenever I feel like it, I don't have to do anything I don't want to, I don't have to do my own laundry, and generally I'm pampered. It's the good life.
Thing is, this year, I just don't feel like staying here. I got bored after about four days of being back home. Sure, it's nice to have plenty of food, cable TV (I don't even have a TV at RMC), high-speed internet, and all the other perks, but it's also incredibly boring. You can only watch so much TV before it gets boring, the internet is about as intellectually stimulating as watching MadTV, and there is only so much time you can spend working out without access to a full gym.
The "worst" part is, it's not so much that I'm not happy at home, but rather that I legitimately want to go back to RMC. Sure, I whine a lot when I'm there, but like Bubbleheads said a while back, a happy sailor is a bitching sailor. It blows, but the Type A in me just can't sit idly anymore. Maybe I'm finally maturing?
Okay, probably not. I am, however, changing. For better or for worse, the kick in the ass I got just before the exam period (a WTF talk with a certain officer, and a WTF-talk-explanation by an ex-cadet.. ahem) had some effect. Sure, I'm not going to be a super-hardcore-next-CWC(1) keener guy--I'm not much of a keener and, frankly, I'd go insane if I tried to be that guy, and I have no delusions of managing to follow a perfect schedule, or always having a perfect uniform (though I want to strive to achievd that), or of never being barely-on-time (or even late), and so on.
Beyond the WTF talk, I think the fact that I actually have a leadership position this semester plays a role in this. Sure, I'm only going to be in charge of six people, but I'm still in charge of them and I owe it to them not to do too crappy a job. Besides, it's perfect practice for when I graduate and, eventually, become a divisional officer. So far, summer phase leadership has consisted, during BOTC, of army-type leadership, which seems far more hands-on--you're out there doing pretty much the same job as your troops. From what I've seen, Navy leadership is more detached. The OOW is in charge of everyone,(3) and when you're not OOW, you don't really lead in the Army sense--you take care of your people, but you don't really have to order them to do anything in particular, because they know their job and most of what they have to do is controlled by the OOW. It's a lot less... well, hands-on (it's the only term I can think of) than, say, a platoon commander in an infantry unit, who lives with his troops almost 24/7 while on deployment. (Of course, in garrison it's different, but a ship at sea is on deployment.) The point I'm getting at is that, like a divisional officer on a ship, I'll be in charge of a few people who do various jobs, of various "ranks," and I'll mostly care for discipline and administration. (Half my section is made up of logistic officers, but ah well.)
I've also been re-reading the Officer-Like Qualities chapter in the NETPO Handbook (the binder with most of the info we had to learn this summer, including shipboard organization, naval history, policy, some evolutions, etc), as I find it helps me keep my eyes on the goal of being a good officer. Several people, including my course officer last summer, have told me I have what it takes, but something that comes up often is that I still need to develop some aspects, including self-confidence, self-control, and attitude, so reminding myself of what makes a good officer--in theory--helps me remind myself of what I need to work on. I'll include a few quotes here, just because I can.
The first essential of leadership is self-confidence. (...) It is an old Navy adage that, when faced with a difficult and demanding task, the officer should not 'inherit' power of command by stating: "The XO told me that we must lower the boat in this Force 5 gale, so let's get on with it." Take personal responsibility for a legal order - "We're going to lower the boat," and confidently get on with it.
Your demeanor should be cheerful and enthusiastic. It is your business to inspire enthusiasm and pride of ship, unit or section. Never appear bored or fed-up, however irksome the work may be.
Develop your voice and word of command. Never allow panic to show in your voice of manner. There is an ever-present tendency in the service to turn to an officer for their cue in an emergency.
This reminds me of a "hint" I got from a LS this summer on PCT Orca, who told me I really needed to work on conning, because although I have the theory down, in execution I tended to sound unsure and weak, especially the first few times, which wasn't exactly confidence-inspiring. It also reminds me of a quote from Jane's Fleet Command: "The British ruled the seas for centuries with a stiff upper lip. Men drew strength from their calm and resolve. (...) If we shudder, they shake. If we sweat, they panic. The cost of panic, is defeat."
Do not risk giving the appearance of washing your hands of responsibility, or of giving a hint of criticism of higher authority. The officer that tries to be popular soon loses grip of subordinates, as well as the respect of superiors and peers.
Never judge an individual if you have lost your temper. If you do lose your temper, control your words or keep your mouth shut until you can regain composure.
Endeavour to bring out the fighting qualities of your subordinates and continue to develop them in yourself. This should be your constant consideration since, in your position as a leader, it is your business to inspire enthusiasm and fighting ability.
Maintain an even keel and allow that humorous situations do occur. (...) Overly racy and frequent joking, however, can backfire and render one being viewed as foolish or never serious.
Being a naval officer means much more than simply being an executive in uniform. To be a naval officer is to be someone belonging to an identifiably unique and very demanding profession. It is not a career; it is a way of life.
As someone personally commissioned by Her Majesty the Queen, a naval officer could at any time be called into the presence of royalty and other dignitaries. This is something that has not changed over the centuries. Naval officers travel throughout the world, are brought into professional and social contact with many foreign dignitaries and, while doing so, are quite correctly perceived to be representatives of the Crown.
With the exception of off-colour jokes and language, nearly all topics are in bounds during daily meals, even "shop talk." (...) The realization that others have similar responsibilities, successes, failures and workloads is the glue that holds a wardroom together.
It just struck me that I've probably quoted at least some of this already, but like I said earlier, the point of this is to remind myself what I need to strive for. I know this might sound overly idealistic or naïve, but hey, I'm an artist.
There really isn't much of a point to this whole post... I guess I just wanted to show what few regular readers, especially those who have been reading this for a while (God knows why you're subjecting yourself to this!) that there is some measure of progress going on.
Ah well, I'll enjoy some more cable TV while I still can!
(1)For those of you who don't get movie references, I'm talking about Platoon.
(2)Cadet Wing Commander, the highest-"ranking" cadet at RMC, three levels above me in the wing chain of command
(3)Everyone except the XO and CO, of course
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